Love Note4: Five Years and Counting

Today is our fifth anniversary. A year ago I wrote an entry about our forth anniversary. And today I'm proudly say, we are already 5! Sincerely honey, I want you to know that I LOVE YOU! Yes sayang, I will never stop saying that I love you. Thank you for this beautiful and colourful five years of marriage. This time, our anniversary brings us plenty of joy, and one of the best is our newest addition to the family, and she is just 8 months old. Born spring last year, she will turn one year this May.

Married for 5 years now, having two kids, a toddler who turns 3 years old little boy, and a baby who turns 8 months old toddler, are truly worth every pieces of experience. My husband, he always cherish every minute of it. Although there were the times when his schedule seems too tight for some family hours, he always manage to squeeze few micro moments to spend some times with those two adorable children. I couldn't even remember if he ever missed saying, 'siapa sangka? dah ada dua orang, a boy and a girl dalam rumah kita'. That words, that statement of his always win to warms my heart, and never fails to remind me to recite my thankfulness to Him, Alhamdulillah. I must admit, there were times when handling small kids become pretty challenging, and sometimes demand full attention and energy, but those challenges always turned out to be fulfilling yet treasurable. Yes, it's diamond beyond the rough. Like pearl beneath deep ocean.

Yes dearest husband. You have been my entire life for the past 5 years and I am looking forward to keep the number going on for the next coming years. We might have our own definition on how several things should be done, or that we could have a different level of understanding in certain matters, but nonetheless that completes us somehow in a special way. I knew you would agree with that, wouldn't you?

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to become the vessel of life, giving me the ability to give birth to two beautiful child, and a chance to bring smiles to my dearest's face. Thank you God for this beautiful 5 years of marriage, and thank you for Your Neverending Kindness to comfort me whenever I seek for console, and thank you God for Your Gracious Love to always bestow me strength when I need them the most to keep my faith, and showers our life with thousand of bless. Thank you God, through the endless challenge of life, you teach us how to be strong and bold, yet being kind and patience towards one another. Thank you God, for everything.

I pray dear Almighty God, please let us be together, and keep us together in this world and hereafter, strengthen our bond, our love, and please keep us under your guidance, and please protect our faith, our life, and our safety from the unknown and evil doings, or from any evil intentions, and I pray Dear God, and to You and only You we beg and hope for mercy.

Happy Fifth Anniversary Dear Husband. From the day we were married I never stop thanking Him for His Blessing, and I just couldn't find any words, and no words could truly describe my love to you. I thank you for all the patience and tenderness during all these years, and with that, I must say that, I always proud to be your truly wife. I love you dear, and I pray that forever it will be.

<<<<<<>>>>>>

If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

Original Author : PABLO NERUDA

Image : click LOVE

p/s I dedicate this poem especially to my dearest husband, with all my heart, I love you... Happy Father's Day darling... though this entry may come a bit late, I always loving you no matter what day it is..

Confinement Period - Self Management

Today is my 37th day of confinement, which I successfully managed alone abroad, with plenty of helps from a very patience hard-working cousin and a very thoughtful understanding loving husband, as well as my charming two and a half years old son. Most people would ask, how did my confinement going on here? Or question like, who look after me here during the confinement.

Months before the surgery, I already collected a lot of infos from the web, prepared a 'manual book', as guidance on what to expect after a cesarean birth, and a 'special recipe's book for c-section patient'. I've wrote in one of my previous post on how I studied how to do self-care after a cesarean labour, and I kept them under a file as a reference. They really helped me a lot to gain confidence to overcome my fears to undergo the second cesarean.

What did I do for the past 5 weeks? My routine is almost the same. After being home for 10 days, when the staples has been removed, I begin my routine slowly. Every morning I would clean my face and brush my teeth as quickly as I could, and then feed Dana. Dana always get up early around 5-6am for milk every morning. There would be several times she would wakes up for nappy change and feeding between 2-3 am. At most she would wakes up only twice in the middle of the night. Oh.. how thankful I am! In the early days things somehow drained my energy, as I couldn't And she seldom cries.

Hmm, where was I? Oh, my routine. Then my husband would prepare for work (weekdays), while my son usually still fast asleep, and only wakes up normally after 8.00am. During that time, I'll steal some quick minutes to tidy the bedroom, put away the toys, Dana's burp clothes, and sometimes I pressed my husband's working shirt. Usually I'll press my husband's shirt twice a week in the midnight after Dana's asleep..

When my husband ready, he'll carry Dana and guiding Umair to go downstairs, while I get change and join him for breakfast. After he go to work, often I would continue with the laundry. Next I'll join my son at the living room, and nursing my daughter. My cousin she insist to do the cooking (she's practicing to become a good cook). For three hours straight I would be playing with my son, while nursing my daughter. Having a growing toddler who is smart and active really get the best of me, and usually by lunch time I'll be quite exhausted. He's currently mastered all the alphabets, and demands to watch ABC clips all the time. Counting this day, it's been 3 weeks straight we were entertained with ABC clips and song, from morning, afternoon, evening, and night. It turned out to be a war over the TV lately.

Arrival of Dana Sufiya - Part 3 (The Reunion)

the chronologies continues...

1.20pm

Those nurses were very quick in their job. They skilfully changed my gown, lifted me from side to side until they succeed in and then helped me with the sanitary napkin. I was then moved from the operation bed to the bed I was wheeled in earlier. I still remember the sight of the bloody bed with a full red-stained gown on top of it. Whoa.. what a sight! I must admit that was a very pretty scary sight. No wonder they hang a big screen to avoid patient from watching his/her own surgery. It surely not the sight for the faint heart. I must say that I am very proud with my husband, for his willingness to accompany me throughout the surgery, and have a great courage to stay strong beside me, and witnessing the whole operation.

After they took off the strap and wires, my midwife told us that I would then be wheeled to the 'Wake-up Room' for constant monitoring at least for 1 hour. They told my husband to wait at the waiting room with our new baby before went to the room I was given earlier. After a kiss from my husband, I was then wheeled to the -2 floor. I was very embarrassed, lying flat on bed while being wheeled, and going past some people. I was not wearing headscarf, and that was awkward. I bet my hair was oddly tangled, and I looked terrible at that moment. I remember the big bruise I had on my left arm from the blood pressure strap that was attached to me during the surgery.

The 'Wake-up Room' was quite spacious. I saw a lot of patient in bed, still recovering as I was. There were at least 30 spaces for beds and my bed was put in the middle of the room, just beside the nurse's desk. Each space has its own machines for blood pressure, heart beat measurer (I don't know what's the term), and some other I just didn't recognized. In front of me there were four person recovering, and two of them were fast asleep (I guess they were just went through surgery, and still under drug).

I was advised to keep moving my feet, as it was good to improve blood circulation. They sticked four wires to my abdomen, and took my blood pressure in every 10 minutes. I was told that I was prescribed with a morphine drip as a painkiller, and I could control the dose by only pressing a button. They also gave me another painkiller by drip during the 'Wake-up' moment.

I'll never forget, how I wished my husband was there with me, holding my hand, accompany me with our new baby, and I really wished I could hug her at that moment. I wondered, how was my son doing up there on the tenth floor, waiting for me.. has he stopped crying? He must be very worried and confused, watching me being taken away without anyone explaining things to him.

3.00 pm

Finally a nurse came and told me that I was ready to go to my room. She smiled as she did a final blood pressure check and 'feeling' the tummy, and did one more sense test similar to one that I had before the surgery. She asked me to move my feet, and I successfully wiggled them. I was quite anxious, as I was not completely sure if I was ready to walk at that moment (as during my first cesarean, they made me walked 6 hours after the operation).

I was desperate to seek comfort from my husband, and I longed to meet my new daughter, of course I really missed my son very much...

3.30 pm

Finally, a male attendant came and wheeled me to my room. Again, that made me really uncomfortable. Without head covers, and with four bags of fluid attached to my bed frame, and one of them was the morphine drip, and the rest was glucose drip and painkiller drip, and a uterine tube, hanging just below my bed frame, I must looked scary.

Come to think of that again, perhaps that was just my feeling. I did feel that the crowd weren't that interested to 'know what happened to me'. They looked, yes they did, but that's that.

3.45 pm

Finally I was in my room, and how happy my son to see me! His face instantly brighten upon seeing me arrived. I was delighted when my son rushed to hug me (for comfort, I guess), but then my husband stopped him and said, 'Mummy sakit... tak boleh peluk lagi... (Mummy is not well, she can't hug you yet)' That reality really put me back my thought to hug him. And, oh my.. the incision was very painful once the epidural worn off.. Thank God the painkiller drip really help to contain the pain. My abdomen looked really bad, and felt jelly-like at that moment. And I hated the sight of it.. urgh..

Then I found my little girl, sleep soundly next to me, in the clear plastic baby cot. She's so beautiful. I received a lot of kisses and hugs and praises from my dear husband. I listened to him about what they have been doing while waiting for me to arrive, and I was happily entertained by my son's behave of missing me, running here and there, showing me toys and telling me stories. My husband said that Umair was so happy and he kissed Dana when she first came to the room. That was the most happiest moment I had, the big reunion of four, after the frightening experience in the operation table.

I remember giving my newborn daughter her first taste of milk. I found it was very hard and excruciating to get myself up. I need help to get my daughter from her cot to my arm for feeding. I was glad when I found out that Dana was easy to feed, even the lactating nurse who helped me to sit upright and assisted me to feed Dana was impressed. 'She feed very well', was their claimed that day. And I just smiled, although at that moment my milk hasn't fully developed yet, the amount was too little. But the nurse assured me that during the first few days, baby only need a small amount of milk, and the first milk, colostrum (although it was very little) is really important for baby, as they are full with protein and enough to fill a newborn. The nurse encouraged me to give Dana both sides of milk so it should be enough for her.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my bed was very sophisticated. Easy to control with few buttons so that I could adjust the height of the bed, even the posture of the bed. And that features really helped for me to feed my daughter.

4.30 pm

We then took chances to skype with my parents-in-law in Malaysia. They were so happy, and there were also tears of joy. My mother-in-law in her teary eyes reminded us to always look after each other, and gave plenty of advises of what should we do after that day. I know, they wished they could come and visit me, and look after me and their new grandchild, and playing with of Umair. But I do understand that they also have other big commitment in Malaysia, and I must not be that selfish to force them to come here and assist us.

Conclusion

I stayed at the hospital for 6 days. During the 6 days, my husband has played a great support for me, as well as my husband's cousin, who accompanied me every night, to help me with Dana. A night nurse would came every day to check my blood pressure, and checking the incision. Then another 'nurse for baby' came to check Dana's temperature, her weight, and bathed her. I was completely in bed rest for 2 days after the surgery, and was forbidden to eat or drink, only given glucose drip (only after I felt gas movement in my tummy then it's okay for me to eat). During that bed rest, a group of nurses would come and help me clean. They washed my body while I was in bed, and though it was quite embarrassing, I braced everything as they did it very professionally. My gynae also came almost every day to look and ask my condition.

I was able to walk independently during the third day after the operation. It was very painful, and at first I had to ask my cousin to help me getting up. It was difficult but I knew I had to do it so that I'll heal faster. I washed myself that day, and that was my first real bath after the surgery, which was very refreshing. And that day, I finally allowed my first sip of water in the afternoon, and finally have my first real meal for dinner.

For the next day, we had developed sort of routine. In the morning, my husband will came along with Umair, visiting me and Dana. Then the cousin would follow them home so that she could cook some foods for my husband and my son, and prepared soup for me. I stayed with Dana, and later in the evening, my husband came along with my son and his cousin, bringing some soup and collected worn clothes to wash, chatted for a while, and then left with Umair, leaving the cousin to stay for the night. That was really touching. I couldn't thank them much their supports during my hardest period, where I really need a lot of helping hands during the recovery period.

On the sixth day, after a Rubella shot, and thorough inspection of us (Dana and I), we were finally discharged. I was very excited to go home. It must be quite tough for my son to sleep without me in bed, and now having me back he had to handle a new addition in our family. Nonetheless I know in my heart that he would and could handle it well. The staples on my tummy was taken four days after I was home by nurses who came to our our house to check the baby's weight.

And now, it's almost 5 weeks since the operation, which means Dana Sufiya is now 1 month and a few days old. I am still recovering, and the incision by now is completely shut. There were some area around the incision that feel numb, even if pinched I feel nothing. There were also times when I feel a little pain inside my tummy, and that only happened when pushed myself to do house chores too much. I know then that I still need times to recover, and need to pull back some works, and begin things easy and slowly, as the incision is still healing. I still need some more rest and not to force myself with jobs yet.

Whatever it is.. we are finally four! Two boys and two girls in the house! Imagine that! Can't wait to be back in Malaysia this September for Hari Raya gathering, introducing Dana to her grannies and the rest of our extended family members, and furthermore witnessing the wedding of my brother with his fiance at Sabah..

Alhamdulillah..

Arrival of Dana Sufiya - Part 2 (The Arrival)

The chronologies continues..

11.00 am

My gynae met us before the entrance to the operation theatre. She told us that the team was still preparing the room. I remember how worried my husband was, perhaps he sensed my hidden fear. A nurse came and told my husband that he need to go to the next door to prepare himself with a special head cover and mouth cap, and a special operation gown, before he could enter the room. I did sense his hesitation to leave me as he kissed me before he went to change.

Then two nurses came and wheeled me into the room. The room was quite small, with two wide window, and in the middle of the room was a small and narrow bed, perhaps smaller than 2m x 1m. They have this big machine to check blood pressure and heart beat just by the side of the bed, a big lamp hanging on top of the bed, and few glass closets filled with a lot of things I just couldn’t recall of. And a wheeler filled with stuffs which I supposed they’re going to use in the caesarean operation.

I shivered a little, not sure whether it was caused by the coldness of the air or the fear I had. My eyes fixed at the door, anxiously looking for my hero to come and comfort me.. I was very scared, yet I pushed myself a smile. Two anesthetists came and explained how they would perform the injection. With Sophie, my midwife's help, I was told to sit by the small bed, and to crouch like a cat, bending my backbone outside. First they injected a local anaesthesia to numb the skin. Thank God they did that very quickly, it was so not comfortable. Then after about half an hour, they continued with the second injection, I guess that was the spinal epidural, and that was worse than the first one. I gritted my teeth to force myself handled the ‘weird numb pain’ when the needle and the medication entered my backbone. I think they took more than 30 second to insert the medication.

It took less than 2 minutes for the medication to start taking action. After a while, slowly, my lower body started to feel warm. Both my leg was strangely felt as if they were 'pricked' with thousands of tiny needles that neither painful nor relaxing. Then the leg muscles started getting weak. In less than 5 minutes I found that it was difficult to move even my toes, and my legs felt terribly heavy. Then I heard some noises, and saw a group of masked people with their head covered just over the small window at the entrance to the room. They seemed as if they were discussing something. Oh.. how nervous I was, as if that my stomach was going to jump out from its place.

The anesthetists then lifted my leg to a leg supporter on top of the bed and I was asked to lie flat. I wished they gave me a small pillow to support my head, as lying flat made me really breathless. The room was suddenly filled with a number of people. My gynae, Dr. Vaesen came and assured me that everything was in perfect order, and the operation will begin soon. Both my arms were spread wide on the arm support of the bed, and my left arm was strapped with a blood pressure strap that attached to the machine. They also sticked at least four wires to my abdomen, I guess that must be for the heart beat constant monitoring.

Someone masked (I have no idea who) came and took my undergarment away, and another person inserted a tube into my ureter. Then the anesthetists came again and perform a sense test. She swabbed a cotton wool with alcohol, swabbed my arm and my chest, and asked 'which is cold, here or here?' She repeated the test at least 5 times. And surprisingly, I did feel the cold on both sides at first, and in times, I couldn't feel the cold anymore, although she swabbed my tummy with it. And at the same time both my legs were completely paralyzed! I couldn't move my feet!

Then I heard a harsh male voice. I believed he was the head surgeon of the day. He put a green cloth on top of my body, leaving the tummy part exposed. Someone lower the big lamp to be just on top of my tummy, and another two person lifted a wide green screen in front of me. And then out of nowhere someone came and hold my hand (in urgency). I looked up, and how my heart sang! My beloved husband! Complete in head cover and mouth mask, and operation gown! He looked no different than the rest of the team of that day..

12.00 pm

I didn't know why I kept looking at the big clock hanging just on the wall by my right. My husband was just as nervous as I was. He held my hand very tight, and kept assuring me that everything will be alright. He reminded me to pray a lot, and chant 'selawat' as much as I could. He guided me to 'istighfar' all the time. I was so sleepy and exhausted, mostly because of the anesthesia. I remember the feeling of somebody touching my tummy, when my husband mentioned, 'they are starting to cut the skin'. It was completely painless. My husband kept holding my hand and stole some quick peeks across the big screen in front of me. When I told my husband that I was sleepy, he said, 'stay with me dear.. stay with me...'. I smiled, and pushed myself to stay awake.

I remember the moment when my husband told me, 'they already open the skin..', at the same time the grip of his hand was tightening. I knew, he was worried if they hurt me in any way, and yet he couldn't do anything but to wait and pray. He was very quiet, and how I wished I could read what's on his mind at that moment. I remember the pulling, the tucking, the pinching, but all of them were quite dull and painless. I breathed heavily, and I was expecting the 'sudden empty' feeling from the tummy, indicating that the baby was already born. I remember my husband said, 'patience dear, it's almost over, I can see the baby's leg'. I prayed silently, 'Please God, please protect my child..'

The tugging and pulling lasted for almost 30 minutes, then I felt something was taken away from my body. My husband whispered excitedly, 'the baby is here!' and his eyes were smiling! I was so relieved and silently said, 'alhamdulillah'. Then after a suckling sound, I heard the long-awaited cries. The cry was really different than my first born had. My husband went across the green screen, perhaps he was called by someone. And then he came back and held my hand, excitedly telling me that our daughter has already been born and was taken care by a paediatrician. He told me that she was so beautiful and have plenty of hair, and kept thanking me for giving him a beautiful daughter. Another person came, I was not sure who she was, telling my husband that he should come with the paediatrician.

For another 20 minutes, or more, the rest of the team were to deliver the placenta. Then my husband came, smiling, with our new, completely clothed little girl. Oh.. she's so beautiful! My husband told me that the baby was born healthy, cry very little, and already opened her eyes! After a while, I heard my husband whispered 'iqamat' to our newly born daughter, just behind me, above my head, while the rest of the team was still trying to deliver the placenta. Then he reminded my gynae to keep the placenta for us to clean and manage at home.

Finally after about 15 minutes, my husband said that they were doing the closing and the stitching. My gynae came, telling me that everything was perfect. The only male surgeon that day told us that the built of the scar was good, and should we try for a third child there should be no problem with another cesarean. Then I heard a sound, sounded like a stapler! 'My God! They use staples?' I was surprised. My husband smiled and assured me that they already stitched the inside layer of the incision, and the stapler was just on the outside of the skin. That's completely different than what I experienced with my son, when they stitched the skin opening with a self-dissolve thread instead of staples. Someone then put a wide plaster just on top of the incision, and the surgeon assured me that although the strap was big, the incision was quite small. After that they cleaned the swab remaining from my body and I was then left with my husband and the anesthetists and Sophie, the midwife for further cleaning.

... to be continued ...

Arrival of Dana Sufiya - Part 1 (The Fear)

The chronologies begin...

5.00 am

Woke up and did the morning prayer as usual. I remember the feeling of nervousness, anxiousness and 'worriness' (if there is such a word) all mixed up with the 'excitedness' to accept a new family member in our small family. Took a long warm shower to calm the feeling, and remember snuggled in dearest husband arms for comfort and assurances, and kissing litle umair to wake him up from deep slumber. Husband performed morning prayer while I tried to be as calm as I could to explain to lil prince that later during the day I won't be joining him at night at home, as I usually do.

7.00 am

Dressed for the 'day' and managed to sneak update status in FB. I just wear a simple pregnant gown, a socks and will be wearing a newly bought Crocs sandal to the hospital. I was so touched to read that so many people pray for us, and wishing us the best. I remember I was strangely calm all the morning. I remember that I need to keep in fasting mode, and my last meal was a quick supper of a peel of banana and a glass of plain water at 10.00pm earlier. I hope that would be enough time of fasting needed for the big operation. Dearest husband and son went down to living dining area earlier for breakfast before I join them for the daily 'morning gathering'.

8.30 am

Everybody went together to the hospital to offer supports, daddy, abang baby and titie. My husband then registered my name at the Admission & Hospitalization Counter before allowed to go to the tenth floor, where the Labour and Maternity Departments situated. I remember the heavy feeling in my womb, as if the baby was ready to be born at that very moment. I wonder how much weight has the baby gained by today, I hoped she would be as almost as the same weight as her brother.

We were showed the room where I would be stayed for the next 5 days. A week earlier we had requested a single room and we managed to get one nice spacious room, room number 189. We could see Brussels from bird's eye view. Even the famous Atomium is visible from the window. Later after we're familiarized with the room, I was met by my midwife for the day, her name is Sophie. She's very young, I guess she must be around 25th. I think she must be a midwife in training. She brought me the special hospital gown (if you watched Dr. House series, you'll know what kind of gown I was wearing) and told that I need to change before wheeled into the operation room.

Later, another nurse came (I forgot her name) and inserted an I.V. tube to my hand. It was quite difficult at first as she explained that my hand was slightly swollen because of the water retention I’ve had during pregnancy. She couldn't get through the left hand's vein, and finally the tube went though my right hand, leaving 2 brown needle bruises (ouch.. I just not quite acquainted to needles..).

10.30 am

I still can’t forget how helplessly my son cried reaching for me when I was then wheeled to the operation room. He desperately struggled to escape titie’s holding arms when seeing me that way. I remember holding my heartache seeing him that way. He knew something big was going to be happened to mummy, yet he couldn’t get the idea of why. I tried very hard to hold my tears and I did try to look behind but unfortunately the door is quite narrow for me to have him on my sight, and the nurses wheeled me without stopping. And then I remember the look from my husband, he was torn in between to accompany me and to stay back and comfort our son. How my heart ached; and all I could do was just looked away to hide my feeling..

.... to be continued ...

10 Reason Why I Am Proud of My Husband (2011)

1. He fathered a wonderful son for us, handsome little Umair Iskandar

2. He bestowed me with another amazing experience of pregnancy (we are expecting another child this coming May)

3. He helped me through my discomfort during this pregnancy

4. He handled our son perfectly, playing with him every evening although he's very tired after work

5. He seldom (almost never) complained over food I cook, he eats what I cooked

6. He prefers to wear clothes I pressed every day

7. He helps with the laundry and home decorations

8. He is willing to buy me designer's clothes and accessories although I never asked for them (although I do have the desire to have one)

9. He holds my hand every time we go out together

10. He wakes from slumber just to offer kisses when I wish to have one (ops!)

I love you darling, I always have. And the three of us will always love you. Thank you for the joy you've bring into our life, thank you for the warm shelter, the never ending food supplies, and the safe security. And of course for the tender care and utmost patience ever since we've been together.

Happy birthday dear husband, I wish your 29th birthday to be as magnificent as ever, and may your career gets better each year. I always support your decisions (though there were some times I did argue.. hehe). I wish and pray, may our love get stronger every day.. And on behalf of our children, we love you, and you're always the most wonderful daddy in the world.

From your most adorable son, sweet little baby, and your loving and faithful wife. May Allah Bless You. Amin..

Love Note3: Four Years.. and still counting..

Tick.. tock.. tick.. tock..

It's been 4 years since the phrases meaning 'I do' was affirmed, in 'green-themed-solemnization-event' that took place at Kampung Benoni, Papar, Sabah, Malaysia.. And it's still counting..

Dear Husband,

Today, I am so proud to declare that I am never happier in my life ever, as everyday is always a new day for both of us. Everyday has its own set of stories. You gave me strength when I struggled for some, you gave me supports, you saw my weakness and you guided me to improve myself when I need them the most.

There were bad times, I admit, but somehow they keep us even closer. Perhaps, that were the moments when I almost forgot the most important part that I am now sharing my husband with the country, to look after our nation's importance abroad. I don't know what happened to me during those moments. And honestly, those were the moments when I need you around to get me back myself.

Forgive me dear, I may become too expressive in this entry.. Maybe some of the words chosen here are not really exactly what happened, I might be exaggerating a bit, (too much perhaps?) but I just want you to know, NO MATTER WHAT.. you always be the one dear to me.

There were moments of sorrow, as life's never easy, but somehow we did manage to overcome all those 'not-so-enjoyable' experiences with every strength we could composed. And yet, there were moments of joy as well, and we really enjoyed every of it heartily. With that, I am more than thankful, to have you by my side, as you understand me completely.

I remember this one moment, when we watched Dr. House series together, laying together on the sofa, with little Umair cuddled in between us. You said out loud, 'I couldn't understand why Dr. Taub is so angry when his wife bought him a Ferrari...' Oh, how I wished I could do the same, surprising you. I'm sure you'll react differently than Dr. Taub, but unfortunately, I can't. I could never afford that..

I was a very independent woman before, I worked and earned and I spent my incomes in my own way. I was a working spouse (and still a working lady, but on leave), have own career and once a family provider. And now, here I am, practising being a good housewife, who often people sees would depending on the husband. I pray that I'll never become too dependant. That would worries me. Nonetheless, putting a positive cap on, I do understand one thing, great sacrifices always needed to achieve something great.

I wish that I always truly be your indispensable wife, the one that would be around with you during ups and downs. I love you, and want to spend my life with you for the rest of your life. I don't know exactly how to end this entry, but I know I'll never stop loving you. I know you would do the same, as I know, you do love me as much as I do, and you love our kids as much as I love them, and deep down I knew you're always proud with me.

Take care dear, and remember, I'll be your strongest support ever in life. And I'll be your loveliest wife ever. Remember that.

Happy Anniversary dear. It's already 4 years and I'm looking forward for more years to come. This year our family already have three members, and hopefully next year it would become four.

May God Protect Our Family, and Our Marriage, always. Amen.

'To my lovely wife whom I can not do without, it is a privilege of a lifetime to have spent these past 4 years with you. Thank you for your enduring love and may our union remains in HIS blessing always. Happy Anniversary, sayang.'

I copied this from my wall post, submitted by my beloved husband.. This really made my day.. and I'm still smiling.. (^^)

And I do adore the lovely bouquet of roses.. thanks a million sweetheart..

Oh yes, and I pray, may our union remains in HIS blessing always..

Love Talks

Love is a very subjective feeling, and can be described in millions of definition. I googled the word 'LOVE' and found numerous result of it. In Wikipedia, love is defined as an intense feeling of affection. From Wikianswer, I found quite interesting definition which might worth reading. Here I shared my favourite line quoted from the page.

"Love means that you trust the person, would do anything for the person, know that person is with you through thick and thin, isn't afraid to be seen with you."

Lately I noticed quite a number of 'status' posted in the Facebook Wall, mostly circled around the theme of 'Love'. Some has found new love, some has lost a love, some receive special blessing from the love, some finally tied the love.. and there's some waiting for new love, and some is waiting for impending love.

Someone has asked my opinion about love. The truth is, I am not someone knowledgeable about love at all. I can only share my bits of love stories, and hope they might somehow put a smile to someone out there.

When did I learn to love? Hmm, difficult question, yet still answerable. When you finally learn to accept and cherish one thing, you were assumed that you already learn to love. Simple example? Do you still remember the first present you receive for your special day? I did. I remember during my 7th birthday, I received a new fancy 'botol air' - bottle for drinks, from my beloved father. And there I experienced love to my father, and I was presented a beautiful home made birthday cake from my dearest mother, and I remember feeling proud and unexplainable happiness on that day. At that moment I know, I truly learnt to love my mother and my father, and expressed it by kissing them back.

How do you know that you are in love? To me, personally, when you couldn't get your mind off something or someone in a passionate way, you are indeed in love. But to know whether that is a true love or just a passing love, one might need to think again deeply. Someone might disagree on this, and I appreciate that opinion.

To love someone is a person's right to feel when and to whom, but I believe one has to have a set of principle before can truly practice true love. In this condition I mean 'the one'. Why did I say that? If one is allowed to have as many love as one's wish, there would be someone or more that could be treated wrongly. One might claim that he or she does practising true love to a group of people, and maybe have the difficulties to choose 'the one', but to me that's not healthy. In a way, that could invoke selfishness. Those who never made to be 'the one' would be suffered, as they could also have a chance to find their own 'the one' but stuck to this one special person.

When should one started to search for 'the one'? In Islam, when someone is already reaching puberty, and have the desire to get married, and have the ability and access to get settle down, that person should be allowed to do so, and should never be discouraged to do so. But when that someone don't have the ability and access to do so, they should contain the desire by fasting, and focus on strengthen their religious belief. What do 'the ability and access' means here? That means security in financial, healthy mind and body, able to provide foods, clothes and roof for the family, and have enough knowledge on how a marriage should be carried out. When one is not able to do so, that person should not be encouraged to get married as that person is not completely ready for the responsibility.

Perhaps some of us might say, 'We don't want to get married yet, that should not stop us from being in love'. I agree. But I believe, most of lovers dream of getting married and settled down. In our cultures, Malays, we agreed that marriage is important, and should be the main goal of a relationship. But every marriage comes with its responsibilities. One might say, once you're married, you have to let go the social life, the single life such as flirting, clubbing, etc. And I personally agree on this. People get married to settle down, and such actions are not acceptable once married. But hey, everyone has their own opinion, and I respect all that.

I am married to my once a best buddy, and now he's my greatest best friend ever and my perfect lover. He fathered my son, and now we expect another one coming next year. And for that I am my more than grateful. I'm not saying that our marriage is completely blissful, there were ups and downs, but I prefers to keep the stories to myself. It's not wise for a wife to open unnecessary stories to public, as we never know that the stories might be twisted in different way by someone we never know if we could trust. I am determine to keep our marriage strong as long as I could as long as I shall live, and I would do everything to keep us together, and I believe my husband is also feeling the same. I trust him, and I know he also trust me.

Again to the question, what is love? To me, its started from an honest friendship, and from there understanding grew, and trust built, and they started to look after each other in passionate way. They need each other for comfort and security. Each shows cares and in time they both agreed to tie the friendship into a much stronger relationship which finally settled with marriage. But I knew there are lots of relationship that didn't work, maybe one of them of both are not prepared to settle down. Or maybe one has found a better choice that really suit one's particular need. Or maybe it's simply that they were not meant to be with each other.

I was asked few question from my students before, regarding love. 'I love him, should I tell him?' 'She loves my friend, I wished she choose me'. 'He broke my heart, I hate him! I hate school! I don't want to see him again!' Ahh... I do understand the feeling, I was young once. That was the age when a child started to grow independent, and started experiencing a sudden need to be belonged and beloved. It's completely normal to fall in love in such a young age. But one never can be sure if the feeling they had is truly a true love, or just a need to satisfy the growing new passion in their life, the feeling to become a healthy adult. The love they had could be too young and immature to grow into a much serious relationship. So they need guidance, and here comes the importance of religious teaching, good parenting skills and good example from the community. It would be a shame if the new passion they experienced were guided in wrong direction, the love they thought was 'the one' turned out to be the disaster.

For those who are still looking for their 'the one', keep on searching. Sometimes we let our heart open too wide we couldn't really discovered which one is truly worth to stay. Sometimes in our tree of life, the person we thought to be 'the one' decided to leave, making us feeling vulnerable than ever, we almost forgot that there's still plenty of good branches around us. Sometimes we desire of certain difficult qualities that we missed the opportunity to actually know someone better who might be worth to be with.

This is my personal opinion and I wrote it in general mode, and to those who might not really agree with this writing, I'm totally respect the thought. I wish we could live in a much peaceful world, where love is truly a pure joy, and respected as it should.

Dearest husband, it will be our 4th anniversary soon, and I'm taking this opportunity to proudly announce 'I LOVE YOU AS ALWAYS..' I am more than thankful to have you in my life. I pray to God may our marriage getting stronger day by day.

'Dear God, may Dewi Manja and Shahril Nizam live happily together forever, amen.'

p/s ah.. pardon my English...

A great effort to be charming

Trying to be a charming hostess, while managing your own limitations such as tiredness, exhaustion, sleepiness, thousands of to-do-lists, could be a real challenge. One would need a good helper to manage the chores, while keeping you sane and support your back. In my case, I'm more than thankful for having a very helpful sister cousin when I need her the most. And with a quite challenging pregnancy going on, I really in great need of good pillar support to help me with every details to make sure the events going perfect.

I started giving instructions to my sister cousin as early as a day before, for her to prepare the ingredients needed (which I wrote earlier) to cook the dishes, and asked her to prepare the meat and the chicken to the size I needed. Sometimes she did manage to amuse me, when unexpectedly she'd ran from the kitchen, carrying with her a small chunk of beef with question, 'Is this the size you need?' to which I found very funny. She always said that these sort of 'kitchen's helper' somehow giving her the training ground to practise her hand in cooking.

Perhaps some of you might think why I asked her to do the kitchen's stuff. Since this pregnancy, I somehow couldn't handle the smell of uncooked meats, or chickens, or fishes, prawns.. Let alone handling them. To be exact, somehow I despise the smell. I am not blaming the pregnancy (sorry baby). I am more than thankful, Thank God for this pregnancy. And to have a sister cousin helping, it is really truly a Bless.

Since I pre-occupied her with the ingredients preparation, I busied myself polishing the cutleries, the plates and glasses, the bowls, the jug, polishing the dining chair, cleaned the dry sticky biscuits off the chair legs, removing the chocolate stains from the wall, wiped the panel of door so it'll sparkling white, polished half of the marble floor so it'll felt smooth to feet, dust away the book racks, wiped the tele, and all those small details which may not became a big deal during the night. But then, I was expecting the guests to be quite a perfectionists and all small details might matter to them. I was letting the unbelievable inner obsessive perfectionist of me to come out, as I was hoping our family could make an impression to these guests, and good image does important in my husband's career. I never want to portray the sad image of incapable diplomat's wife, although there were moments that image was quite true.

And that was the day before my son second's birthday! I was so exhausted, and I just couldn't find any energy to bake him a cake. And in Europe, 6pm in 25th November is equal to 1am in 26th November as in Malaysia. Which means it was the date of my son birthday! When my husband came home later that night, I sheepishly suggested him.. let's eat somewhere, and buy Umair a nice cake, and celebrate it outside. And guess what, my husband agreed, and we have a nice Chinese dinner, and got Umair a nice chocolate pie, and bring along two candle sticks for him to blow.

I thought I could prepare a dessert to keep in fridge a day (or a night) before the expected dinner, but I was so full after the delicious dinner and I came out with lots of excuses to not preparing anything that night. After a good night kiss and birthday kisses for Umair, and after 'skype'ing with his grandparents at 12am (it was 7am in Malaysia), I sang him good night song, and I started to make a mental to-do-lists first thing when the morning comes.

I woke up at 5.00am. After the morning prayer, I get back to bed since my son needed me to keep him comfy. I ended up that morning smiling, when my son he hugged me on my neck, as if I was a big pillow for him. Aww.. and with him on my side, hugging me, came an unexpected surprise when my husband hugged me from the other side... Aww... when two people hugged you, feels like you owned the world..

That morning, my husband promised he'll be home earlier that evening, to help with the arranging and managing the preparation for the dinner. I started my morning by preparing a dessert, 'bubur pulut hitam' - sweet black glutinous rice porridge, and it took almost 2 hours to complete cooking. Then I proceed cooking 'daging rendang jawa' - javanese beef rendang, at the garage as I need to cook the dishes in a big stove in a big pot, so it'll cook quickly and evenly. That morning was so cold, I think it was around 2 or 3 degrees and I was imagining I was an Eskimo man cooking at the North Pole, warming himself with the fire.. It was so cold as I wore my winter clothes cooking at the garage, and the garage door was slightly ajar to let the cooking 'smoke' comes out. It took me about 2 hours to completely cooked the dishes. I couldn't let it cook by itself, slowly as it needed to be constantly stirred to prevent burning. I filled my time preparing some green vegetables to cook later in the afternoon.

When everything was done and packed, I asked my sister cousin to take back all the stuffs I brought to garage to kitchen, along with the pot of beef rendang. Then I started to prepare lunch for my husband. Then I get myself some rest, and my sister cousin helped with the 'ayam goreng berempah' dishes - spicy fried chicken. It took less than 1 hour. (thanks syiqin..)

After lunch, and after my husband returned to work, my sister cousin helped me with cleaning the washroom, while I busied myself preparing the ingredients needed for 'ikan kukus limau' - steamed fish with lime. And I pushed myself to bake a cake, Japanese Cotton Soft Cheesecake for my dearest Umair. I promised him the night before. While waiting for the cake to bake, I cooked Mixed Vegetable, and preparing the sauce for the fish. And the cake was done at 5pm. I cut a slice for Umair, and he was so liking it! Will do it again next time, and that time, will snap a pix as proof. Oh, talking about pix, I forgot to snap the pix of dishes I prepared that night, was so busy and couldn't find time to do pix.

My cousin sister help with the table setting, and my husband he bought some flowers to decorate the dining area and pressing some lime juice as drinks. After a while, I left my cousin sister and my husband to arrange the table and clean the kitchen area while I went upstairs refreshed myself and changed. Then I continued prepare 'nada mojito', a non-alcoholic mexican lime cocktail drinks. It's very easy to make, and since I was run out of time, I blended everything instead of crushed the ingredients.

By 7.30pm, everything was prepared and we were ready to accept our guests. And I was so exhausted I swear I could sleep at the very moment. And how my backaches really killing me, and was so stressed I remember the feeling I want to blow any time. But then there they came, and there was I, smiling as gracious as I can.

In the end, the dinner went well, and our guests left our home looked satisfied, and to my surprised, the lady guest said her son never took rice for dinner, but that night he ate 2 plates of rice. I was speechless (and of course my energy was totally drained). They loved the mojito drinks we've prepared, and I packed some beef rendang for the son as he liked it so much. I was overwhelmed when the lady guest compliment my dishes, and said that I am ready to invite special guest over for a home-cooked sit down dinner. I was so glad that all the efforts put for the night was really worthy.

And now here I am, am so thankful, grateful and really appreciate the help and the support from everyone near me, my husband with his help in decorating and arranging the dishes, my sister cousin with her help in preparing ingredients, house-cleaning, kitchen cleaning, and Umair with his attentive with his own toys and capable to play alone, understanding that everyone was busy busy busy... Alhamdulillah...

Who said being a diplomat's wife is easy? When it comes to entertain special guests, lots of effort needed to make sure that one is as graceful as the culture accept it. And I swear to myself, I will refine my skills in cooking, baking, house cleaning, flower arranging, table setting, small talks, dressing, speaking, all that essential in supporting my husband's career. And at the same time balance my role as a wife, and as a mother, and as a member of Ladies' Organisation Abroad. It's quite a challenge, and I know I need to improve my language skills especially my English, I needed that skills to adapt into the local culture of husband's work.

Again.. please excuse my grammar..

And, wish me luck!

A Wife's Role, Abroad..

I just read a book titled Culture Shock: Successful Living Abroad, The Wife's Guide by Robin Pascoe. The book is full of interesting insights and guidance of the role of a full time housewife of a family that lives abroad.

Allow me to share some of my own experiences, being the spouse of a young Malaysian diplomat living in Belgium. I never thought, that I would marry a diplomat and reside in Brussels. Living abroad comes with its own set of challenges in getting accustomed to the new surrounding what more to blend in. It's somewhat demanding, yet exciting to explore different environment and lifestyle. Notwithstanding, my home soil, Malaysia remains dear to my heart.

A common question from friends and colleagues back home would be, 'what are you doing there? are you studying?' And my standard reply would be, 'no, took a long break from my career to follow my husband abroad'. Then come the next question, 'what does he do there?' to which my reply would be, 'he's a diplomat posted to our Embassy here in Belgium'. But then they would usually asked further, 'what exactly is his job?' Ahhh.. then that's difficult.

Somehow, I could never really figure out the exact role and function of a diplomat, but somehow I do see the need and importance to have our diplomat abroad. I don't think could fully understand his work what more to explain, what does he do he. But I do know that he's always involved in lots of paperworks, meetings, conference, reports arranging important visits by our ministers and officials to Belgium, and so on..


I could still recall my first official outing as a spouse of a Malaysian diplomat. It was last year during Malaysia's National Day reception. Dressed-in purple kebarung with purple selendang, pale greyish heels to match grey handbags, and brooches, accessories, make-up, and smile and greetings.. oh! what a style I must be then.. I stood among the crowd to greet Ambassadors and diplomats from another country and played the role of gracious hostess of that reception. It was indeed a test of my courage to stand perfectly charming as I never been expose to that kind of experience before! Those people were really tall! (I am only 148cm in height) And they looked straight to the eyes, and shook hands really tight. Their voices were clear and loud, compared to my small and soft voice. But nonetheless, as one of the hostesses, I realized that I have to keep a straight yet welcoming face and try my best to 'charm' the guests.

These people are the working people in this continents, and I know nothing of their particular works, and sometimes I really have no idea what were they really talk about, or maybe they were bragging, I was not sure. When the conversation circled about the political aspects or economical aspects of Malaysia, the role of Malaysia in EU, I really can't come out with any what's what to talk about. And that was really tough, to remain as charming as I could. I learned that from that experience, I was expected to always portray the image of Malaysia's culture and lifestyle. The passion, the good nature of our people, the warmth and the lively personality we have in Malaysia. Some of them had never ever been to Asia, let alone Malaysia. And some Europeans I knew expressed their fear to live in Asia, as Malaysia is geographically known situated near to Pacific Volcanic Rings (Lingkaran Gunung Berapi Pasifik). It was quite a challenge to counter these negative perceptions. But the Europeans do genuinely 'amazed' with the diversity of our cultures and customs, our traditional dresses, our hospitality, and I believed these were imprinted in their mind by Malaysians they've met before and from hearsay. These good image could help our country to be known as good place to be in, and to be with. Somehow during the conversation I ended up talking about the difference in our culture, how every races can live together, how our food taste better, and promoted our country on behalf of the 'Tourism Malaysia' for them to come to Malaysia.

As such, I really need to sharpen my conversational skills, particularly in English, and be as witty as I could, as charming as I should, and look as pretty as I can be. For God's Sake, it's not easy to be the image of your country! Even when I am doing groceries, chances are there for me to bump among the European that know who I am, and which country I come from, and whose wife I am. And I have to maintain the good images wherever I go. To think that this is my first experience being a spouse to a diplomat, there will be lots of opportunity and rooms waiting to be explored. As my husband said, 'You shall need to tailor lots of baju kurung, baju kebaya, and buy selendang, and handbags matching with shoes...' I found that idea is really appealing, yet really necessary as I don't want to look in the same dress on every event I attend, as I seldom meeting them in such occasions.

So far, I have encountered quite a number of VVIPs, and from what I saw, there's always a need to learn more about Protocol and Ethics. I was told that every spouses that need to join the husband abroad, would normally required to attend some preparatory courses before leaving the country. I never got the chance to attend any courses, and I knew there must be a good reason why as God may wants me to learn through experience. I am looking forward to learn more from my stay here..

I am so glad that my husband is 'sporting' enough to teach me how to deal with this group of people, and always support the way I carry myself during such events and advising the way I dress and talk, and other stuffs. It's not that simple, literally, when the reality that, when we are in public, we are the images of 'Malaysia's Harmonious and Unique' family. What you say will be judged as the whole Malaysian would says, what you wear will be seen as what the other Malaysian in Malaysia would wear, what you smirk, will be looked as what the rest of Malaysian would smirks.. So one has to keep open mind while living far from their homeland, and appear to be as pleasant yet independent as one could and should be.

At first, I found it really difficult to put in mind, the standard of images I need to depict, and there were always bad times or embarrassing moments happened. But as common a mistake is, there'll always people around advising, 'There's always room for improvement', and I always try my best to look at the bright side. I am still learning, and I wish to be the most adorable wife to my husband, the indispensable and desirable all the time..

Again, please excuse my English..

Honey dear, just so you know, I am now willing to put myself fully in this role, as I always supporting you, and that's how I show you I love you, by being your most gracious companion to stand by your side, always.. though there'll be some ups and downs, but I'll always by your side.

It's 11 weeks, and counting..

Alhamdulillah.. my last appointment, 13th October went well, and finally the due date can be determine, Insya Allah the date will be on 17th May 2011. And I finally see the heart beat.. and a figure of little person is already form.. suddenly I remember my son at that age. I can't help but smile, and at the same time I do amaze by God's Creation.. Kun Fayakun, when He's Will it, it Will Be.

But every joy has a price to pay, and this pregnancy doesn't move easily as I expect it to be like before. When I was pregnant with Umair, it was a bless, no morning sickness, and good appetite, and no problem to sleep. energy level was always at peak. This time, I have a full-day-morning-sickness, noht having a very good appetite, tired all day long, always find it difficult to sleep. nauseous and body aching.. I am not complaining, I am just sharing the different experience I have, especially to my dear friends out there who's always crave for such infos, those who planning for a child, or second child, or planning for an official tie. (oh, congratulations for those who has just get married, and for those who's expecting..)

And thankfully, the consultation with my gynae, she prescribed me with this medication, Primperan, it did help a little. I did some research about this medication, some obs agreed that it's safe to take during pregnancy, to help reduce morning sickness, alhamdulillah, the nauseousness and the vomiting did lessen, and my husband just bought me a non-drug medication, wrist band Sea Band, that said help motion sickness and morning sickness. I am looking forward to see if it does really effective as said.

Oh.. and to my husband.. I thank you dear for buying me the band, though it really costly, (he said Euro 14.++), yet the effectiveness of it still not proven yet (by me) but he did buy it for me.. oh.. am so grateful..

And another story about my first child. He's starting to pronounce right word.. 'rhino' becomes 'naino', 'badak' becomes 'bidak', 'hippo' becomes 'ippo', 'bird' becomes 'buh', 'ball' becomes 'bol', 'bismillah' becomes 'lillah', 'night mummy' becomes 'naih mummy'.. when asked question such.. 'what's inside mummy's tummy?' he'll reply.. 'baby'. oh.. so cute.. and now, as if he do understand mummy's not well, he always offer me lots of hugs, front and from behind.. aww.. and always love to tuck inside my arms when I lie back on couch.

He loves to find new friend to play, and easy to socialize, I just hope he can manage well with his coming sibling. I heard lots of not so good story of sibling rivalry especially among small children. I just hope my son will be the most loving brother ever, independent and strong.

Some Great News, just before Syawal..

Just about a day before Hari Raya, I decided to repeat the test. hmm, it's been quite a while since my last menses, and the reality is my cycle was not regular since the first menses after stopping the Pills, which took about 5 months back. I think most probably because I was then still breastfeed my son, who will turn two by end of November this year, and I thought maybe it took quite a long time for the menses to be regular again.

Last month,I did one test, only to be sure if I was pregnant, because of the possibilities of getting pregnant, plus the irregularity of my period. I decided to take safe precaution, as I was trying to lose a few kgs just by end of this year. I was thinking to join the Zumba Aerobic class again after Puasa, so I need to be sure about that 'P' thing. And that test come out to be 'negative'. So I decided to wait for the supposed expected delayed menses to visit me..

But then, it was almost the end of Ramadhan, yet the 'girl's best friend' hasn't arrived yet. I wonder.. hmm.. I remember having that feeling,the instinct, plus I was feeling a bit sick and nausea early on the morning before I took the second test. Although I was still fasting, I tried not to 'break fast' and I do remember putting a mental picture on that that day I will keep on fasting. And of course I did. I pull upall my courage, and that morning, after sending my husband off to work just at the front door and gave my son to my cousin for her to take care a while, I went upstairs to do the test.

And as expected.. the first test came out to be POSITIVE! I was so overjoyed, excited, and shocked! But the line was so faint, so I thought, maybe.. maybe not.. hmm... I waited a while, did some house chores, and some time in the afternoon I repeated the test, and that time I used ClearBlue Digital Pregnancy Test. After 3 minutes, that's the picture I get! Whoaa.. I thought, 'Now, it's CONFIRM!' I don't know how my husband will react, as I did mention last two weeks my menses hadn't come yet, and already did one test, but it was negative, and my menses hadn't come yet till the day before I did the test.

I thought I want to let him know about this news when he return home after work in the evening, but I think my patience did overcome me when my husband did make a call, telling that he'll invite some people to 'break fast' on the last day of Ramadhan to our home. He was so OVERJOYED!

Me : Daddy, Mummy got a news for you. Do you want to hear it now, or shall I wait till you get home?
DH : It's okay, you can tell me know. Why?
Me : Insya Allah, if God's Will, Umair will be a brother soon...
DH : ... (pause a while..) Alhamdulillah! Thank God! Congratulation Mummy!

I knew immediately he didn't know exactly how to react, as this news is really a GREAT news! Hopefully this pregnancy continue to shine our life, and I really hope and wish for this pregnancy to come when I am on leave from job, so I'll have plenty of time to manage my kids my own way.

And next, appointment with my gynae, Dr. Ann Horloye. My husband already set an appointment next week, by that time, everything will be confirm. and I pray for the best.

But my son still demand my full attention? so how?

p/s ahh.. pardon my English.. I was so over the sky to check every grammatical errors here.. :)

What An Evening..

I'd like to start my blogging today by sharing a piece of 'my-kind-of-nerving' experience, driving a sedan car in Brussels road! whoa.. I can still recall the shakiness of my knees (though I have a driving license, but driving a right-hand-drive car in the 'right-lane-driving' with a 'right-priority-road-drivers', huh...). At first I was pretty shaky, but after a drive to Cora, crossed the main roads, and drove back home, somehow I think I managed well. And I think I was so SPOILED, (I mean being a passenger though I can drive) my husband said.. 'you can drive, but you took the other lane to be yours too' and read my reply, 'I told you, to me, if the car is moving, then it's fine'.. haha.. funny and so spoiled me.. (wished I can gather all my courage to drive better, maybe I will, soon) And this happened this very evening, after we had our dinner at home, with Briyani Rice with Briyani Beef Curry and Turmeric Fried Chicken. my recipe.. will share later in my next blog.

Anyway, credits and credits for my beloved drive coach, my husband for his support and his pushiness (ampunnn daddy!! :P) that makes me drive again today. We bought a lot of groceries, to stock the kitchen today. We are going to have guests coming over this weekend, all the way from Paris for a sleep-over as they want to celebrate the shopping month in Brussels. And I found a nice white knee-length cardigan, with a nice beige vest to match, just for the price of 20 Euro! NICE... thinking about persuading my husband again.. hihi..

When we reached home, my special carrot cake with walnut and choc rice, topped with brown sugar glaze has already set, and ready to be 'munched'. hmm.. really tasty, and I got the recipe from internet, but I changed some ingredients as they weren't available at that moment. (again, will share in my next blog). my husband requested a 'nada mojito' a mexican drink, originally supposed to be served with alcohol, named 'pina mojito' but they change the recipe a bit to suit those who don't take alcohol, like us. and he bought some prawns, and I grilled them in oven. So for tonight's supper, we treated ourself a mojito mix, carrot cake, and grilled prawns..

I still remember when I went for a walk with cousin Qin and my baby boy Umair to Carrefour last Monday.. it was a good walk, a good exercise especially for a housewife like me, and I did sweating, and the weather was just nice, accompanied by the soft cool breeze.. so refreshing! After about 1 hour walk and done 'sightseeing' at Carrefour, we decided to move home, when I realised my son's cap (was bought by my husband, he chose the colour, it is shocking green Tommy Hilfiger cap for babies) was missing.. OMG.. what has happened?

we frantically searched in the backpack, under the stroller, between the cushions of the strollers.. and found nothing. we were already in the main road to go home when we decided to going back searching the cap at Carrefour. I remember my son protested as he didn't like sitting in the stroller, but we strapped him anyway, yet he threw everything away. but I couldn't remember the cap. After 30 minutes of 'search and rescue' mission, and asking the salesgirl for help, and asking help from the information desk, I was so devastated, crushed, and so frustrated. What a careless mother I am! I almost cried, and I held my baby, and remember hold back tears and kissed my baby as I was so mad at him and myself yet loving him as well, and I can imagined how frustrated my husband will be if he hear this news.

Finally, just about 30 minutes before closing, I thought, one last look, then we go home. True to words, when we are calm, everything will be clear. And we did found the cap, someone has been kind enough to put the cap just on the eye-level on one of the display rack. What a relief! Then after telling the salesgirl and the desk lady I found the cap, we walked home, relief, and tired.. but smiling.. what an exercise!

My little naughty clever boy did it again.. oh my.. No words can express my true feelings, but I gave him kisses anyway.. I guess it was a lesson to me, to entertain my son as well as I entertaining myself with window shopping. And he is only 20 months old!

I can still recall, our last summer...

Listening to a song, 'I can still recall our last summer' from the movie Mamma Mia (my DS favourite movie), makes me wonder, will the song be my song when we return from this posting, back to our homeland. Hmm,love the song, love the lyrics, so sweet to my ear. Wish my husband can play some instruments and play and sing this song to me.. :P hee.. how naughty my mind! I used to have this ideal man figure when I was younger, I love to be with a guy with lots of sense of humour, caring, lovely singing voice, can play musical instruments.. haha.. I know my husband wouldn't mind me writing these, as he already know about this, I did tell him about how should my future husband looks like during the courting time.

But again, I am writing about the song, this lovely song, and happened to be my husband he's also a fan to this song.. AHA! that would do enough for me for him to be the perfect husband according to my unrealistic ideal man figure should be.. hehe..

Yesterday was so hot, and really somehow depressed me, (depressed is a tough word, I should think about saddened me.. hihi) And today, while I'm writing this blog, I can feel the heat of the sun burning my back.. ahh.. I'm not a great fan of the sun. poor husband, too many jobs in the office, and I hope he did manage to arrange his priority in life. hmm.

Last night he took me for a surprise movie treat, guess what? ECLIPSE! haha.. bet my friends in Malaysia turned to green if they do hear this. In Malaysia, the release of this movie will be on 7th July, while here in Europe the premier was on 30th June. Lucky me!

I love to watch the coolness yet so 'bad guys' ish Jane Volturi, carried by Dakota Fanning in the movie. She's so cool, and I can't wait to watch the finale.. Just to watch her, again! In the book, it was told that Bella will manage to fight Jane, and I am so anxious to watch that! One more great character, if the person does exist was Alice Cullen.. it never enough to watch her move, how cool she fight.. Secretly I wish I have her cool character.. or do I? hahaha... surprise me..

Having my husband beside me, watching Eclipse together remind me our sweet time watching Transformers 2 together.. so unromantic to my perception! ahaks! but nonetheless that movie was totally awesome even for me who is not a fan of that movie could fall in I love after watching!

One thing surprised me last night when my husband decided to go to office in the middle of the night... (what?) He was too absorbed in his jobs he said he can't sleep well to think he need to finish this and that before tomorrow. Better for him to finish part of the job so he could sleep with some peace in mind. I still remember, I was asleep while waiting for him to join me and little Umair at home, I texted him it was 2.30 in the morning.. and his reply, will be home in a while..

And this morning, he left house I think it was before 7 am... Well, I can't tell the exact time as I was still sleepy when he kissed me 'good morning dear, I'm going to office now'. I do understand my husband he's just an officer in the office, a junior officer and he's expected to perform in his job for his carrier building.

Want to know how I feel? My heart cried every time he push himself over the limit that I think I couldn't manage. He's forcing himself for our better future.. Though I do feel kind of alone here, husband at job, at home with cousin and my son.. when people in a married relationship, that husband and wife knot is so much different than the others, it can raise a person up or crush someone down. And I desperately want to be the most supportive wife I could be, but being alone to share my feeling to myself, really testing my way of thinking...

I did mentioned before being a full time housewife could dull a mind, I believe somehow I am infected with some of the symptoms, and I need to overcome this boredom, overcome this dull signs, overcome this fears (when I weight the matter again, it may come from my own fear, living abroad, far from relatives and friends), overcome this and that, and building back my attitude and confidence in managing my home.

I know I can get through these silly thinking.. some may said I should be grateful, some may say I should never think of these.. but saying things and living things are different, one could never understand my situation, and even one manage to imagine, the image that portrays will never be exactly true.

Hang in there dear husband, I'll be your guardian queen, I am your supportive back, and I'm pulling myself out of this silly surrounding of mind.

Dear friends, pray for my strength, God, please help me, help us, help our family. and again, forgive my English..

Recipe For Sator Beans Chillies Sauce With Anchovies

Yesterday, was our third anniversary. I decided to cook something special for my dearest husband's lunch, yet I didn't have any idea what would that be. With limited stuffs in fridge, (we haven't got time to restock everything). I found two bags of frozen sator beans (petai) in the freezer. I decided to cook something out of the sator beans, with some fried fish with chillies, macaroni soup, and mixed vegetable. Yet again, I have no idea how to make something tasty with the beans, so I decided to google some recipes. I found some at myrecipe.com, and some from other's blog. but then again, with limited stuffs in my kitchen, I decided to improvise a bit..

Upon requests from friends, here I shared the improvised recipe.

Sator Beans In Chillies Sauce With Anchovies (Sambal Petai Dengan Ikan Bilis)

Ingredients:
- A handful of cleaned and sliced anchovies
- 2 spoonful chilli paste (cili boh)
- 1/4 cup coconut milk + 1/4 cup water (I used instant coconut milk from carton)
- 5 bunches of chillies, red or green (I used green chillies)
- 1 Onion and 2 garlics - thinly sliced
- 2 pcs tomatoes - cut into 4 pcs (I used 4 cherry tomatoes)
- Sator Beans, Petai (I used a handful of these, but that depends on one's preference)
- salt, sugar and flavours.

How To:
1. Slice the Onion and garlics thinly.
2. Peel open the Sator beans, and make sure the bean is well-clean. Some people prefers to boil the beans for few minutes, but I prefer not to.
3. Using a dry blender, blend the green chillies for a while, and then blend together with the anchovies, make sure the mixture are not too smooth, leaving the anchovies blended roughly. I prefered to use lesung batu as it gives a better appearance.
3. Place the saucepan on a medium heat and allow it to warm through. Add a little oil, sliced onion and garlics, give it a little mix and let the oil heat up, stirring occasionally.
3. Add in the roughly blended mix of green chillies and anchovies, and give it a stir. Then, add in the chilli paste, and stir everything together.
4. Add in the mixture of coconut milk and water, and let it sit for a while before adding in the sator beans and the tomatoes. Don't forget to put in the salt, sugar and some flavours if desired such as ajinomoto. Be cautious when adding in the salt, as the anchovies is already salty, and upon cooked the saltiness of the anchovies will come up.
5. Stir occasionally and make sure the beans are well-cooked before serving..
6. Voila! Ready to eat with rice as side dishes..

Well, happy cooking!

p/s I was so glad my husband loves this cooking, though this was my first attempt of cooking sator beans, normally he'll eat the beans as ulam with some 'belacan paste' but yesterday I decided to cook it. And I am still very satisfied with the result. Might as well try the recipe, but instead of using anchovies, maybe I'll try to use prawns..

Dinner Mummy dan Si Kecil

Dinner... bila dah selalu sangat masak, dah tak sure nak masak menu apa untuk dinner. lauk ayam, lauk daging, lauk ikan, lauk seafood... masak halia ke, masak sambal, masak black pepper, masak halia, masak sweet sour, masak sos, masak kicap, masak kurma, masak kari madras, goreng ajer... kukus, sup... dah macam-macam rasa semua main 'campak-campak' je dalam kuali...

Kali ni dengan rasa cukup bertuah suami kesayangan hamba telah menyediakan santapan istimewa beliau... 'lamb steak' perap dengan halia... 'medium cooked', tak terlalu masak sangat masih 'juicy', tak mentah sangat, tak kering cukup lembut untuk dimakan ala-ala 'hotel style'... siap guna 'knife and fork' gitu... terkenang saat-saat berdua denganmu di Colmar Tropicale... dinner berdua... actually we were having a special candlelight dinner.... at that French-theme park... cuma satu je kurang... lilin takde... huhuhu....

Kalau dulu selalu berdua... sekarang dah bertiga... seronok mendengar suara anak kecil di rumah... bermain bergelak ketawa... anakku yang comel sedang dalam proses belajar merangkak... rasa kelakar pula bila dia dah pandai angkat badan, tapi bergoyang-goyang belum lagi maju ke depan. si kecil pun baru sudah dinner... makanan pejal bayi yang mudah dibeli di pasaraya, campuran nasi, sayur lobak merah, tomato dan ikan salmon.... sedap yang amat tak sabar-sabar jejaka kecil ibu nak merasa makanan perasa baru. biasa mummy bagi makan pisang lenyek campur epal, kadang-kadang bubur nasi, cereal nestle beras dengan sayuran... tapi bila bagi minum air dengan botol susu, tak nak pulak... yelah minum susu badan tak minum susu botol tu sebab tak berapa suka dengan botol susu kot... nak minum air dengan cawan biru kecil dia jugak... lepas tu satu baju dah basah dengan air sebab dia nak main sembur-sembur... takpelah sayang... sekejap lagi mummy bawa sayang mandi yee... kesian pagi tadi tak sempat mandi... sejuk sangat la cuaca di Belgium ni.

Daddy pegi ofis lepas makan malam tadi... kesian daddy sibuk sangat dengan kerja. cuti-cuti pun dia pergi pejabat jugak. dekat sini hari masih terang. walaupun jam dah pukul 8.30 malam, tapi seperti masih pukul 4 petang waktu di Malaysia. takpe daddy mummy faham... mummy dengan baby sayang daddy...

I still remember (dedicated to my dearest husband)

I do still remember how we used to be

Feeling together yet missing the togetherness, as our love was meant to be

Both of us were dreamers like the only couple in the world,

I feel like you’re my saviour when you came to me,

Offers warmth and shields that I needed most

I do still remember how sad the look in your eyes,

When days slowly passing by, slowly departing our time together,

So hard for you to let me through the airline door,

And how heavy my feet to step away from you,

Losing and missing the romance between us

I do still remember the worries in your face,

Felt terrible, almost crying as the world has come to the end,

As I was lying down on the delivery bed, pushing in agony,

How hard you want to help but nothing you can give,

Desperately looking tough, but crying inside by the sight of my pain

I never forget dear those sacrifices,

You forced yourself to be strong to send me off at the airport,

You forced yourself to be cheerful even you’re in big problems,

You forced yourself to stay near to me in the ward though you have lots of task to be done

You forced yourself to stay awake, to accompany me in delivery room,

You forced yourself to be calm even during my greatest screaming pain,

You forced yourself to work to feed me and baby…(and still forcing yourself)

These are my short love poem I wrote especially for you…

I always love you dear, but I am not a good romancer,

Even my English are far worse than yours, the meaning is deeply carved just to only you…

Thank you dear God for these bless...

You give a man and you give me a son...

Thank you dear God for these love...

You give me worlds and you give me lifes...

Alhamdulillah....syukur atas nikmat Allah...

Being a mother...

I guess being a mother is never an easy task. So many to be fulfilled, yet never have enough time to finish them ever. I came upon the realization, even a good mother do complained, though most of them prefers to hide those feelings and, afraid if others will labels them 'uncaring mother'. That's harsh.

Living in Brussels, does somehow teaching me not to busying on others business, but focused on what I already had. Never compare your deeds with others, and always respect others opinion. Something that was hard to experienced back in my homeland, where those 'caring' neighbour keep prying on others.

My baby is entirely with breastfeeding only, and thankfully, that really eased my life a bit. No bottles to be cleanse and disinfect, no water to be boiled for the baby's milk, no stressing question to be answers on choosing the right brand of milk that don't upset the tummy. Whenever we went for an outing and my baby cries for food, we only had to find some nice place to sit, and within a flick of second I take a seat and feed my baby. And I do feel comfortable, even with people moving to and fro, I sensed their 'that's okay' thought upon seeing me feed my baby. Well of course I do take the 'ethically' measure, I do my best to make sure my baby had enough feedings with a minimum exposure of my flesh. And I do notice people around me seems don't really mind, as seem as when a mother breastfeed a baby in public that's really common.

Even with these blessing... (alhamdulillah for this precious gift)... I can't help but expressed my thankful for the understanding shown by husband last night. He assured me that I can take a rest this morning, when my baby showed his playing skills all night long. My baby refused to sleep, even after I sang, I fed and change his diapers, he kept waking at night, with a cries that hard for me to translate. And that keeps going on till I realized its 5am in the morning! Duh... hard for me to accept... but surprisingly...I have to say...there's not even a bit of anger inside me towards the baby acts, only craves for understanding and support from my husband. And he did provide me enough of them that makes me smiling all day long.

Guess that makes me realized that mother's love IS eternal... and I can't produce even a littlest angry words for my baby... but love and only love all over. I found its hard to blame that tiny precious creatures, and even with the tiredness and sleepiness with the aches on my backbone my baby managed to produce a smile from my lips with his little noise. 'He's tall already...' is one of the sentences I spoke to my husband this morning. Yes, I did shed some tears, I was tired, I didn't get any sleep, I have lots of chores to be done, some meals to prepare...all I need was a pair of warm hands, easing my shoulder... assuring me everything will be alright... and somebody telling me I've done the best as a good mother should be... whatever my heart craves for I do have to express my thanks to my husband... to do the best that he could in that early dawn by helping soothing the baby while I managed myself a few minutes nice nap.

Again... that's a mother's role. I love my son, I love my husband. It's just a thought, unrealistic I must say that I think I am always a good mother. To be a good mother one has to experience hate and tense, and when the loves pour you'll never want to stop them, no matter what are the stakes. Last night, I do feel no anger to my son, but a stupid feelings that said I am fail to be a mother, that leaves me with tears... but with showers of supports I managed to banish those thought away.

I wish my son can understand, I always love him no matter what... and I wish my husband can read these, no matter how complicated your wife is, your wife always grateful with the supports and loves that you give. And with that... I love my son, and my husband. As always.