Hello folks. It's been a while since I wrote about my life. Perhaps some might find that my post was a bit lacking, and not so much update going on. Well actually, there are tonnes of our life's update that might be worth updating, yet time is so restricted to let my finger to finish a few lines.
The biggest update that I wish to share is, we are going to return back to Malaysia, for good! Yeay! Great news, right? Oh how I terribly miss our peaceful country, missing our families, missing my job, missing the foods, the atmosphere, the sights and sounds.. Though it is exciting (but no less challenging) to live abroad, going back to Malaysia has always been the craves of mind. But honest truth, I am not sure if I am exactly ready to be home.
Having two kids now, one will turn 4 by the end of this year, and another one who will turn 1 this spring, really put me into spiral of thought. We are instructed to fly back to Kuala Lumpur by early summer this year. And counting the days (less than 3 months ahead), I am anxious. It's not the exhaust of job waiting to be pursue or facing the hiking price in groceries that disturb me, but the fact that I am completely helpless to think about the need of my children.
For three years, since our first son were born and then having the second child last year, I have been their nearest carer and their closest person at home. With sudden change in their daily life, it could affect them psychologically. Children's emotion is still one big mystery, even with the knowledge of modern technologies today. We never know their thought for real, and they're still too young to express them clearly. It could or may confuse them if mummy has to go to work as well as daddy, when normally to them mummy will stay at home when daddy goes to work.
Our main priority right now is to find a good place or good nursery for them, or perhaps a good caretaker to look after them. Hearing plenty of not-so-good stories about child care personnel really disturb me. Reading quite a handful of bad review about hiring foreign nanny also freaked me out. Nonetheless, that is the only two options I have left to venture, and ease with, as I right now I still couldn't give up my career just yet. The fact that I have and must put trust to someone I don't truly know to look after my children with the knowledge that that is actually my responsibility really ashamed me. I don't think that I am being justice to them, and both of them deserve just the best.
I believe that most working parents face the same dilemma as I have, especially the mothers. It's difficult to make choice, but that is the life. Once I read a recent Facebook status from a lady friend (whom I feel is closer than a sister, more like a mother) sharing a thoughtful saying from a friend.
'Climb your career ladder when everyone in your family is ready, especially your kids. No point you have tonnes of money or titles when you hardly see your kids grow. Be a hands on mother. You have arrive (somehow) in your life, and your kids' life are about to begin.'
The last phrase caught me, and I agree every bits of it, and that put me into thousand of thought.
Most career-oriented people would likely say 'Parents nowadays do send kids to nursery or school, so there's nothing to worry. ' But after being a fully stay at home mother for quite a while, leaving them to continue my career is really one big challenge.
I know that my husband also feel the same tension as I am, as both of us have great feelings for our kids. I don't know my kids feeling right now, but I am pretty sure that will be tough for them to learn to live a new life, trusting their new caretaker-to-be, and when the time comes I hope their brother-sister relationship will get stronger and stronger each day. I am counting to my eldest child to keep an eye to his baby sister, and I hope he would be her strong barrier to guard his sister when I am not around.
My husband darling, though there were times I was so distracted, so annoying, I hope you would understand. I do know that I will have to accept the fact that I will have to work again. And I am slowly learning to accept the reality, slowly making plans, slowly resetting and upgrading my emotion and thinking. I couldn't afford to have any other choice (just yet) but to trust someone else to care them. But sayang, whatever it is, I really appreciate your amazing support, understanding my fears and my worries, and always coming with good plans and strategies that somehow helped me to reorganized and soothed my messed head.
Right now, all I could do is just pray, if only there would be miracles that could relieve my anxiety. I hope my job would never limit my time with my kids, and I hope they will forgive their mummy for have to leave them both alone during working days.. Sooner or later they will understand that sacrificies.
Insya Allah, He Will Show the way. Please Oh Allah, protect our family, protect our marriage and our kids from any evil deeds and devil's doing.
- Mummy loves you both, darling Umair Iskandar and sweetheart Dana Sufiya. And dearest husband, I love you always.. -
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