Wednesday, April 27, 2011

37 weeks 5 days, and another 4 days, or less.

Last Wednesday, I went for the final check-up at Cliniques universitaires Saint-Luc, with Dr. Vaesen, who is a very nice lady in her thirtieth year old (I think so) and very competent. I went only for an ultrasound scan, to see the growth of the baby, and checking the old scar of previous c-sec. Just last week, upon the result of pelvimetry (a routine to measure the size of the pelvic bone which required in most healthcare centre in Belgium for those who had a previous c-sec, and for those with height below than 150cm) done a day before my second last check-up, I found out the fact that the measurement of my pelvic bone is not agreeable for me to give birth naturally.

I still remember my previous labour experience. I was admitted at a day earlier before the baby delivered upon a bloody mucus show in the morning, and I remember having a constant and regular contraction every 5 minutes. At first it was not really painful, but towards evening it started to get disturbing. I remember the moment when I silently prayed for guests that visiting later in the evening to give me some space with my husband. Instead I maintained a steady face, and managed to pull a 'painless' facial features. I remember my husband did asked, 'Are you okay dear?', and I replied with a smile, 'I'm fine, nothing to worry about', and I said that because I wished for the guests not to see me in my weakest form, as if I was too weak to bear the pain of impending labour which might send a message that I'm not strong enough to be a mother. I guess my husband in some ways did feel the anxiousness I felt. Perhaps I was too stubborn back then to admit that actually I was so scared, and too proud to admit that I need my husband alone at that moment.

Towards midnight, the pain was getting really intense. I remember the feeling as if the lower part of my body was started to tear apart, as if my entire body was splitting into two. How excruciating the pain I had to face for almost 11 hours after the membrane was ruptured manually at 1 am, as the nurse on duty said my cervix has opened for about 4 cm, with an assurance that that would help the cervix to dilate faster. My husband came at 2am after being called, and I was transferred immediately to the waiting room, in perception that the labour would begin in few moments. I was provided a gas mask to help with the pain. I remember the tired look of my husband, and I knew he was just slept for a little while. To my dismay, when the nurses came and check the cervix an hour later, they hushed and kept repeating 'baru 4 cm' - (only 4 cm). What more annoying at that moment, I was so tired and sleepy, haven't got time to rest since admitted earlier morning, yet the pain was so torturing, and different nurses came in and out. (maybe young nurses trying to learn how to measure the opening. yaa.. I know how does that sound) everybody seems interested to insert their hand with innocent motives to check and to confirm that the opening of the door was still 4cm. Imagine that, in every hour, with all the pain and the 'exhaustedness' and sleepiness, and if I might add, hungriness... (forgive my exaggerations here..) If I remembered correctly, it's more than 20 times they did that, not including the training doctors.

I remember the frustration I felt when the 'real' doctor (he looked old and wise, I think he's doing his morning round, and the clock ticked 10am), and brought along with him a team of fresh looking young doctors (I guess his students), studying my charts and discussing my problems, and he also check the opening of the cervix in front of his students, and he said it's still 4 cm. I remember his sudden changes in the way he speak because he did mentioned that some nurses told him that I was already 6cm. Then he dismissed the students, and did some private discussion with my husband that he advised for a Cesarean, because of the fear of infection to the baby due to the manually ruptured membrane done earlier, and considering that the mother would be too tired to push if the cervix finally fully dilate later.

Well, skip to the end, finally at 11am that morning (the next day after I was admitted) I gave birth to my first baby boy, with the help of C-sec birth, weighted 2.9kg, pink and healthy, and we named him Umair Iskandar. I was so thankful at the moment, yet somehow I did feel a bit disappointed because I couldn't deliver the baby as natural as a woman 'supposed to be'. Some people do have this perception that giving birth through Cesarean is only for a weak mother, as if the mother is not doing good enough, not a strong mother, because she give birth in easy way. Perhaps that's the reason why I was secretly depressed at some of the times during my confinement period, unable to say words but smiles, succeed to hide my real feelings from family and relatives, even from my husband. I guess I was not strong enough to admit my feelings, though back then my mother and my mother-in-law always told me to share my feelings if I need someone to listen, but I was worried to worry them with my own internal feelings, as I also aware that I should never think that way.

That was three years ago (2008). And three years later, this time, by next week, I'm going to have another C-sec, and this time it's an elective c-sec, in order to give birth to my second child. Well, reading the writings here, I think you could understand the feelings I am through right now. It should be easier, because I don't have to wait for the pain of labour to start to finally go with the surgery. The supposed EDD is around mid of May, but since this is a planned c-sec, it's advisable and better to be done during the 38th weeks, when the baby is already mature enough. The risk imposed to the baby and the mother is lesser. The baby weight during last ultrasound scan was almost 2.7kg, which indicate a good weight improvement, and by next week the baby might weight almost 2.9, which is almost as the size of the first born baby. That would be my second Cesarean, and they'll do it on my previous scar. The scar is not so thick, but my gynae assured me that the build of the scar is fine.

This time I'll have to do my own self-care after birth, which might be difficult for me as I also have another child to attend. Last time, I have my mom and my mother in law and the whole of extended families around to care the baby and me, but this time, it's up to me, my husband, the cousin and my growing toddler to help around. But still, having a small baby, and a person recovering from surgery as well as child birth, all of these are enough to tire the only two person that able to help manage us around (if included my 2 year and a half son, three person in the house), not including the daily house chores, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. I just hope that I don't have to trouble them too much to overcome my need. Seems that couldn't be helped, and through my reading, as this will be a repeated Cesarean delivery, the scar will be extra sensitive and might takes longer times to heal compared with a first time c-sec. Which might means I only can do light house chores after a month or two, but not the normal chores as vacuuming, cleaning the window, all jobs that include stretching and bending and lifting and carrying things heavier than the newborn baby. Preparing dish for a quite a group of people? I don't think so. That will have to wait. But preparing a small amount of porridge? Sandwich? Toast? I think I could do that. Will ask my gynae later for advise on after birth care.

This time, I'm preparing myself by doing research on everything I should know about Cesarean birth, what to expect before, during and after labour. I need to dismiss all of negative thinking in me and look more on the positive sides. I'm not doing Cesarean labour because I want to escape the pain of labour, but I know that if I force for a normal labour, the risk pose to the baby is higher, and the chances for the baby to be delivered safely is not guaranteed. I also know that I will need extra care after the delivery, and I will have to wait for a much longer period to be able to do normal house jobs and doing exercise to lose weight. I know in my previous post I wriote that I desperately need to lose the extra weight after pregnancy, as I am currently gained more than 20kg than my last weight before pregnant. I really missed my previous silhouette before I was pregnant with my first boy. I wished to be at least 50kg or lesser, if not 45kg, my original weight before marriage. Well, fingers' crossed.

I think I shall need to rest a few years before planning for next baby, giving me time to fully recover from the surgery, time to nurse my growing children, and time to get my desired figure back, and giving me chances to indulge wearing 'petite' dress. Perhaps another one in 3 or 4 years time? (^^) Insya Allah, If God's Will.

Again.. Positive is the key!

Dear husband, please forgive all my wrongdoings, I love you my dearest.. and I'm more than thankful for your love, your patience and your care to me during our marriage. I'm glad the person I married to is you, and having you in my life really complete me.. Dear son, mummy love you so much, never less, but always more.. wait for mummy and your new baby to be at home.. Dear cousin, please forgive my wrongdoings, and I'm so thankful for your helping hand during your stay with us. Mummy Daddy at Sabah, forgive my wrongdoings, I love you both, I missed you both, and I wished you both are near to me. Mama Papa at Melaka, forgive my wrongdoings, and thank you for loving me as your own daughter, wished you both also near to me. Sisters, brothers wherever you are, forgive my wrongdoings, and do pray for us.. friends and relatives, forgive my wrongdoings, and pray for our safety..

4th of May. The day is getting nearer. May Allah Bless this journey... amin.


p/s I'm glad I wrote this. Now I feels a lot better. I need encouragement, but I'm lacking of confidence to discuss my worries. I have to write to finally see what I could do now and how to manage through everything. Wish me luck, and do pray for us...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

36 weeks.. At least another 4 weeks to go

Hello again.. it's been quite a while since I last update my blog. Lately it's been a bit hard for me, within a month I caught twice nasty flu. Perhaps it was because of the changes in weather, or maybe I am allergic to some pollen. It's spring, and it's truly an incredible sight out here. The flowers are starting to bloom, the tree is fully decorated with flowers, and of course the pollen can be seen floating here and there.

Last month, I've attend a few events. the grandest of all was the Farewell Party for our Ambassador and his wife, the President of PERWAKILAN at the Embassy. It was well conducted by our Deputy Chief of Mission in Belgium, with a theme 'New York, New York'. Our Ambassador is now assigned to our Embassy in New York, and all of us wishes him all the best throughout his new post there.

A few days before they return to Malaysia for formal procedure before they report for New York, we had had an enjoyable tea party in 'Pink'! Thanks to Miss Jamaliah our Custom Officer in Belgium for being such a dear to host the party at her residence. All ladies were invited and we together brought in potluck in pink theme! We even enjoyed pink cupcakes, pink kuih lapis, pink bandung, pink cakes, laksa and pasembor for our tea. And what's more exciting, all of us dressed in 'Pink' and some of the ladies even prepared a surprise dance for our entertaining that day. We even enjoyed karaoke session, and that was a great day for 'girls' to spend time together.

And now, my second coming baby currently is 36weeks old. Tomorrow I will undergo a pelvic scan to see if there's a need for me to do a scheduled c-sec to deliver the baby. My first baby was born through a c-sec operation, as my cervix was having difficulties to dilate properly, even after the water broke and constant strong contraction. And the next day I'm going to see my gynae for follow-up of the result. So.. fingers' crossed.

This time, I hope I will be able to manage my confinement period by myself, and I already set my mind to be fully prepared for this. It was difficult at first, but I need to learn everything. It might be hard, but I trust my husband's support and the cousin's as well. They have been so helpful through my pregnancy this time, and it will required a lot to repay them all their kindness. And my 2 year old son, although he craves a lot of attention from me, wanting me to hold him and sleep with him, he's somehow understand my situation that I need quite a lot of rest, and lately he had been such an angel to offer 'soft massage' to my feet, and does not really forcing me to carry him as I use to do. He always kissed my tummy and he's really looking forward for his new sibling. I know he'll make a good brother indeed.. My pray.

Talking about 36 weeks, I had gained extra 2kg difference from my last weight carrying my first son. And it's really hard as I am not as active as I was when I was pregnant last time. Last time I was quite busy with jobs, and this time I'm a full time housewife. Only today, I could felt at least nine dull contraction at different parts of my bulging tummy. There were a lot of moments when I truly know that the baby's head had moved down really low, which leave me uncomfortable a bit. The baby's head does give great pressure to the cervix and from what I read, it's natural as the womb is preparing for labour.

I can't wait to have another baby in my arms! And I'm so excited to watch how my first son would react once he see the small baby in my arms, and sleep together with new baby.

Well, wish me luck!